What a Friend's Movie Suggestion Says About Them

Life over the past couple of years have turned us all into aliens. Disconnected and dissociated from each other, we are like prisoners blinking our eyes in the bright sun after too many months in solitary confinement. But something that's never stopped is the constant onslaught of movie recommendations from those oddly familiar humans we call "friends". Yes, remember "friends"? Well they're more than just a name in your phone's address book, they're people that you once chose to spend time with. And although their constant prattling has faded into the white-noise of a life merely lived, it still retains meaning.

Today, we will examine the hidden meanings that "friends" are trying to tell us when they ask us to watch a movie.

Night by Phillip Surrey

1. The English Patient (1996) — Don't be fooled by this seemingly obvious suggestion, it's really a trap. Whoever this person is, they want you to actually watch Seinfeld with them. This person is truly devious though, because they want to make sure that you watch this movie before you watch Seinfeld with them so that you get the joke in that one episode. This "friend" is likely manipulative, narcissistic and psychopathic. They may also be the best lay in your life. Good luck.
   

2. Dune (1984) — Your "friend" is nice enough, maybe a bit disheveled, tends to be a shut-in, maybe has a cute habit of talking to themself on occasion. Quirky in a word. What's happened here is that they've mistaken your genuine interest in Dune (2021) for a general interest in all things Dune and has gone through mental gymnastics to the point where they've decided that they want to introduce you to David Lynch films. This is a red pill / blue pill sort of situation and deserves proper consideration. I cannot make the decision for you, but just know that this rabbit hole goes all the way down.
   

3. Children of Men (2006) — This "friend" was last seen casually talking about Camus and Sartre over whiskeys at the local watering hole. Completely intolerable, you worry that their suggestion is going to be as much of a bummer as it is to talk about nihilism and existentialism for an entire Saturday night. You might start to wonder if it might be a better use of your time to just jump off a cliff, but then you remember that that's the central point of Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus which you only know about from this "friend" and you don't want to give them the satisfaction of being able to stand over your coffin and say "I recommended The Myth of Sisyphus, I guess they took it too literally."
   

4. Brazil (1985) — This person wants to have sex with you. There is no way in the world that anyone has actually sat through this entire film, you're going to end up fooling around just out of sheer boredom. You might not even be that into this person, trust me, by thirty minutes in you're going to want to go at it just to drown out the sounds of the samba Aquarela do Brasil.
   

5. The Nice Guys (2016) — This person wants you to read their screenplay. Not only do they want you to read their screenplay, but they want to watch you read their screenplay. Under no circumstances must you let them do this. That's like taking a pornography addict to a peep show on their birthday. It's far too suggestive and completely inappropriate in this modern world.
   

6. Nobody (2021) — This "friend" just needs a win, you know what I mean? Like we've been real beat down for the past couple of years and they just need to get out and feel normal, man, you know? Gosh, remember when, like, nobody wore masks? Crazy, right? This is a feel-good movie for people who haven't discovered the treacly oxytocin rewards inherent in rom-coms.
   

7. Forest Gump (1994) — What? Seriously? You haven't watched Forest Gump? How do you even hold a conversation with other human beings and understand all the pop culture references? What have you been doing for the past two years? Living with the Amish? Do you even get that reference or are you so much of a hipster that you've decided that you're a pre-language human?
   

8. It's Such a Beautiful Day (2012) — This "friend" needs a hug and a cup of tea and maybe a trip to the beach or something. Whatever you can do to get them out of their couch-bound depression cocoon.
   

9. Blazing Saddles (1972) — This "friend" desperately wants you to think they're funny. So much so that they're willing to hitch their wagon on this comedy classic to get you to laugh. If you don't mind watching an entire movie with their moony face leering out of the darkness at you in your periphery waiting for you to laugh at their favorite parts, well go right on ahead, podner!
   

10. Get Out (2016) — Depending on the context of the recommendation and the corresponding races of the recommender and the recommendee, the mechanism of the message is different, but the actual message is a truth so plain that most don't feel the need to speak it but those who haven't heard it are liable not to think it: white people are scary.